Trouble with “Madge”

I have been trying to figure out how to post about this without slaying my mother with mortification. She would no doubt beg me not to, but I think it is hillarious and sorta cries out for sharing.

That said, I’m about to offer you Too Much Information. To make this somewhat more palatable, I will use euphemisms from the 1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue as well of placing the rest of the post behind a cut. Be warned, I shall talk about trouble with my “fruitful vine.”

I went to the doctor yesterday. Since we were in Iceland, I’d been having some discomfort off and on while engaged in marital relations, which I initially attributed to the water-mill starting to run dry as my body aged. It seemed early for such things, but everyone is different.

Taking steps to ensure that was not the issue did nothing to aid my commodity. Through experimentation, we eliminated latex, spermicide, and lubricant as possible culprits.

After examining me, the doctor explained that a woman’s cauliflower is normally acidic. Most likely, my ph balance is off. When this occurs, my husband’s arbor vitae, which is alkaline, can cause irritation.

In short: I am allergic to my husband.

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26 thoughts on “Trouble with “Madge””

    1. A simple vinegar solution applied regularly for three weeks should restore my Carvel’s ring to its usual acidic state.

      First though, Rob and I must not lib for a week to confirm the diagnosis.

      1. Aimee pointed me here… and when I saw Carvel, I immediately leapt to Fudgey the Whale.

        I think I should go home now, yes, yes, I do.

  1. If I may, I’d recommend a nice tarragon wine vinegar. Not as harsh and pleasantly aromatic.

    I’m sorry. I just couldn’t help that one.

  2. “Commodity” has got to be my favourite. It hearkens in my mind to Eve Ensler’s talk of it being like furniture.

    Still too giggly to form more coherent thought than that. TMI FTW!

      1. Haha, true enough! Mine is more gross, so I think I may spare the blog-mind that one. It really has gone past tonsillitis, I think. Yuck.

        Anyway, get well soon, if that is the thing to say! *g*

  3. I laughed and laughed and laughed … in IM and out loud. And then I tried to explain it (anonymously) to a male friend, over email, who just couldn’t understand what I was talking about at all. I literally went into the, “sometimes, when two people care about one another very much …” routine. He thought you were sneezing, or being sick to your stomach. Your candour is so appreciated.

  4. “Commodity” made me cackle… especially when I think about those folks on Wall Street. What exactly are they trading, now?

  5. Funny, I thought Carvel’s ring was something you bought the same place you get cookiepuss and fudgie the whale from.

    My wife’s been allergic to me. No biggie. I ate more garlic.

  6. I don’t know how I missed this post, but aside from your rather distressing malady, you had me laugh out loud.

    Not just a text lol, but a laugh that brought my father from the across the room, inquisitively leaning towards my monitor. Quickly closing the window of the blog, I replied, “Oh it’s nothing. Just talk about plumbing.”

    He walked away highly confuzzled. Thanks for sharing and I hope the problem is rectified rather quickly!

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