I have a 5600 word fantasy story that I’d love to have some readers for. If you have time to give a read and offer feedback, please drop me a line and ask for the password.
The teaser:
A Piece of Valiant Dust
Harloyd walked through Loveman’s department store, swinging his brass thurible from its chain. A fine dust of fern, stream-smoothed stone, willow bark and all the other little things that made up a chilling spell fell from the tiny holes in the cone and drifted to form patterns of cool in the air.
His dark blue uniform, with its double row of shiny brass buttons and neat brimmed cap, marked him as Loveman’s heating and cooling magicker. As he went, the patrons smiled gratefully at him for keeping the venerable building comfortable. Sure, lots of folks bought ready-made cooling powders for their homes, but the temperature always fluctuated as the dust settled out. Only Loveman’s had heating and cooling men working to keep an even temperature, so folks tended to come in to shop more than at other stores.
It had gotten so Harloyd couldn’t walk to catch the streetcar home from downtown Chattanooga without someone tipping their hat to him and saying, “Evening, Mr. Varnell.” Some days he felt like everybody in town knew him. His wife joked that he should go into politics.
His rounds took him onto the ladies’ floor, where gleaming cases of walnut and glass held the latest in jewelry and cosmetics. His wife, Addie, worked in the evening wear section helping the most notable society ladies find the right dress for whatever event they needed. She was with one of her regulars, young Miss Priest. Harloyd just tipped his head at the ladies and kept walking with his thurible. While it made him proud to see Addie working here, there was always that worry that her powder might wear off while she wasn’t paying attention. Loveman’s didn’t let the colored in. Not that Addie had more than a touch of the paintbrush, but there was no telling what they’d do to her. Him either, since mixed marriages were a illegal in Tennessee. For all that, the day she’d come into his life, looking for a spell to help her pass had been the best thing that had ever happened to him.
Don’t have time to read/crit the whole thing, I fear, but a couple of things struck me.
1). The title – “piece” is an odd term to conflate with “dust”. I would have felt that “speck” or “pinch” or something of that nature would work better. “Piece” both feels wrong as a description of dust, and also is a word without enough emotional overtone – though of course there may be echoes within the story that make it uttelry right.
2). Intriguing alt-history-style setting; magic is obviously commonplace. But if that is the case, and miscegenation were still frowned on (not sure of the era here but it has a vaguely 20s feel), I would expect that there would be active efforts by “the authorities” (in some form) to detect/prevent use of “passing” magic.
But lots of promise in setting and a clearly foreshadowed conflict, so a good opening.
Thanks, Traci.
1. Hm… I’ll have to think about this. It’s a quote from Shakespeare. “Would it not grieve a woman to be overmastered with a piece of valiant dust…”
2. There are active efforts by the authorities but I don’t mention them for another couple of pages. Do you think it would nag you the whole time?
I like how “Chattanooga” made an appearance in this story.