I have been trying to figure out how to post about this without slaying my mother with mortification. She would no doubt beg me not to, but I think it is hillarious and sorta cries out for sharing.
That said, I’m about to offer you Too Much Information. To make this somewhat more palatable, I will use euphemisms from the 1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue as well of placing the rest of the post behind a cut. Be warned, I shall talk about trouble with my “fruitful vine.”
I went to the doctor yesterday. Since we were in Iceland, I’d been having some discomfort off and on while engaged in marital relations, which I initially attributed to the water-mill starting to run dry as my body aged. It seemed early for such things, but everyone is different.
Taking steps to ensure that was not the issue did nothing to aid my commodity. Through experimentation, we eliminated latex, spermicide, and lubricant as possible culprits.
After examining me, the doctor explained that a woman’s cauliflower is normally acidic. Most likely, my ph balance is off. When this occurs, my husband’s arbor vitae, which is alkaline, can cause irritation.
In short: I am allergic to my husband.
You had me at “fruitful vine”. 😛
It’s pretty good, eh? Think this is what they mean by the seven-year itch?
And is there a way to return the citrus to your cornucopia?
A simple vinegar solution applied regularly for three weeks should restore my Carvel’s ring to its usual acidic state.
First though, Rob and I must not lib for a week to confirm the diagnosis.
Aimee pointed me here… and when I saw Carvel, I immediately leapt to Fudgey the Whale.
I think I should go home now, yes, yes, I do.
That is possibly the most awesome example of super-sharing that I have ever seen. 🙂
I mean, how could I not share it. I couldn’t deprive my gentle readers of such a diagnosis.
I’m sorry your cauliflower is not flowering properly, but that is the best description ever.
It was hard not to giggle at the doctor’s.
If I may, I’d recommend a nice tarragon wine vinegar. Not as harsh and pleasantly aromatic.
I’m sorry. I just couldn’t help that one.
Good thought. Perhaps a pomegranate balsamic for that fruity character?
“Commodity” has got to be my favourite. It hearkens in my mind to Eve Ensler’s talk of it being like furniture.
Still too giggly to form more coherent thought than that. TMI FTW!
One of the ones I didn’t use was “money.” Which gives a whole new meaning to “show me the money!”
Oh god! (and I was pondering if my severe tonsillitis was blogging material just now…)
I’m not sure that I’m an appropriate role model, but my rule of thumb for blogging illness/injury is: Is it funny?
Haha, true enough! Mine is more gross, so I think I may spare the blog-mind that one. It really has gone past tonsillitis, I think. Yuck.
Anyway, get well soon, if that is the thing to say! *g*
Sorry to hear you are so sick. And throat ailments hurt.
I laughed and laughed and laughed … in IM and out loud. And then I tried to explain it (anonymously) to a male friend, over email, who just couldn’t understand what I was talking about at all. I literally went into the, “sometimes, when two people care about one another very much …” routine. He thought you were sneezing, or being sick to your stomach. Your candour is so appreciated.
Hee hee. Poor naive boy.
I would describe the actual symptoms but that really would be too much information.
“Commodity” made me cackle… especially when I think about those folks on Wall Street. What exactly are they trading, now?
Goodness. Yes, I won’t be able to keep a straight face at “commodity trading” from now on.
Funny, I thought Carvel’s ring was something you bought the same place you get cookiepuss and fudgie the whale from.
My wife’s been allergic to me. No biggie. I ate more garlic.
Oh dear… I just about wheezed myself into a near-asthma experience on Fudgie the Whale there!!
Now for the version with woodcuts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t know how I missed this post, but aside from your rather distressing malady, you had me laugh out loud.
Not just a text lol, but a laugh that brought my father from the across the room, inquisitively leaning towards my monitor. Quickly closing the window of the blog, I replied, “Oh it’s nothing. Just talk about plumbing.”
He walked away highly confuzzled. Thanks for sharing and I hope the problem is rectified rather quickly!
Whoops! That’s not a post one wants to explain to one’s father.