Caption Contest: Win a copy of Shades of Milk and Honey

Look! My author copies of Shades of Milk and Honey arrived today.

We are also eight days away from the release day of August 3rd. Not that I’m counting.

To celebrate, I’m going to give away two signed copies of Shades of Milk and Honey.

How do you win? Between now and August 1st post a caption in the comment thread on my website to go with this illustration from 1800.

On August 2nd, I’ll open a poll with the various captions listed and give a copy of the novel to the most popular caption AND to my personal favorite.

Edited to add: Yes, you may enter more than one. However, with this addition I’ll narrow them down to my top favorites before posting the poll.

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58 Responses

  1. Ken Schneyer

    “And this demonstrates,” said Doctor Pangloss, “the most natural and complimentary configuration of the specific gravities of the male and female bodies!”

  2. todd

    thanks to your earlier dictionary post, i shall try a caption in fine 1800’s argot

    “jack pudding got everyone to play run the hoop ‘loll tongue’ style.”

  3. Trish W.

    The youthful woman’s honor may still be preserved through this entirely posterior union and under the dictates of the “double-dog dare” proffered, and under due vigilance, by her girlfriends and her beloved’s best mate.

  4. David W. Goldman

    I’m not sufficiently schooled in the language of the period to attempt a caption.

    However, upon seeing your box of books, I was going to say something about the most unusual conjoined twins illustrated therein.

    And then I came upon the subsequent illustration.

  5. Julia

    The idea of a rug with directional colour spots would not occur to Miss Elizabeth for several months, although the spinner was a stroke of genius, everyone agreed. Sadly, Mister Windsor would injure his ankle attempting to win the game over that tomboyish Miss Christine, whom he absolutely did not and would not like at any cost, thank you very much, that evening. He would blame this on Mister Gates refusing to be quiet about the latest pheasant hunt once he was eliminated from the game.

  6. Evan Nichols

    Lilith and Mr. Bashford delighted in being “stuck” together for nearly an hour, but then Violet pointed out that Superglue hadn’t even been invented yet.

  7. Evan Nichols

    With all eyes on the antics of Captain Starling and Eliza, Annabeth felt Lucy’s hand surreptitiously come to rest on her thigh. Her own hand brushed Lucy’s as she leaned forward to whisper, “Now! RELEASE THE BEARS!”

    (May we post more than one? You didn’t say we couldn’t post more than one. I hope it’s all right.)

  8. Meg

    Edwin leaned toward Amelia, his breath warm on her face; it was at that precise moment she had an epiphany: Perhaps birch twigs and chalk were not sufficient for cleaning one’s teeth after all!

  9. Joe Iriarte

    For all the popular jokes about the “oldest profession,” nineteenth century brothels would be all but unrecognizable to modern observers.

  10. K. A. Laity

    The conjoined twins, Edward and Susan, provided a lively spark to the afternoon — far more amusing than Henry Wellington’s “imaginary skein” proved to be, and you could see his face fall at the evident lack of interest demonstrated by all in the drawing room that day. Nonetheless Margaret could not help thinking there was something unwholesome about the twins fondness for touching the tips of their tongues together in what they called “the exquisite twist”.

    “I don’t care if they find a source for it in Burke,” she murmured to her eagerly observant sister, “It seems entirely unsanitary.”

  11. todd

    miss smithers-burns pondered saying something about the behavior of her visiting french cousins.

  12. Michael Schaedler

    “Beautiful, just Beautiful! Children, you are going to put on a wonderful performance. You are learning wonderfully! Yes, the expressions, the feelings, great, great! Let us start from the beginning once again.”

  13. Jaws

    That’s a fascinating demonstration, Mr Pitt. However, by “contortions” I was referring to the unfortunate events in Parliament last week on the standards-of-measures bill; and an explanation, not a demonstration, would be more than sufficient — particularly as this young lady cannot, in any event, vote, even should she be the only resident of a rotten borough.

  14. Ben

    “Don’t ask me, it’s what the book said. Now if I remember correctly someone will deliver us a baby in 9 minutes…”

  15. S.Muse

    Mary thought it strange, that even though Bob and Barb had been joined at the hip since birth, such affection could be shared between a brother and sister. While Fred… Fred just egged them on.

  16. Billiac

    For some, musical chairs is not a matter of life or death. It is more important than that.

  17. K.W. Ramsey

    “Magic rituals must always be performed with proper chaperonage for both parties involved. Failure to do so may lead to a loss of reputation.”

  18. Mack

    So it was that, on that afternoon, I ventured to say, “If all the other sensible shades of blue were known, and the unknown shade occupied a median, the opportune mediation of diffuse hues may generate a novel shade.” And, rather than reply, even in negation, so it was that he responded by way of lustful commune with one of the ladies present. In this manner, rather than in philosophical discourse, did the pair while away the afternoon. It is my belief that the initial tepidness with which my theory was received, was rooted in events such as these; and the injustice of this alone was cause enough to write my “Dialogues Concerning Natural Religion”; for these accidents shew, by clear and distinct apprehension, that there must needs be no God.

    – The Memoirs of David Hume

  19. James

    “Really, Mr. Weatherford, as if having been kidnapped and bound wasn’t enough! I despise Lord Devlin’s fish stories as much as anyone, but your inability to accept the loss of your precious pocket watch is beginning to hurt my neck.”

  20. DavidK44

    “Despite exacting instruction from Bertram, Thomas and Harriet were most unsuccessful in their attempts to recreate the Mongolian Nose-Kissing act as described in Huehler’s ‘The Top Part of the World’ travelogue.”

  21. todd

    3 seconds previous to this scene

    “I say, Mr. Stern-Withers, would you have one of those delectable rosemary shortbread cookies passed down this way. Thank you.”

  22. tom

    Spured on by her sisters and Lord Byron, Charlotte Brontë and Percy Shelly demonstrate the vertical expression of their horizontal desires.

  23. Susan Loyal

    Charades proved a rewarding pastime, reflected Frederick, even if one’s position succeeded in conveying nothing useful to one’s team, as Lord Derwin’s shouts of “kilt!” and “Roger Bacon!” made clear.

  24. Bruce A.

    Edward waited, flexing and unflexing his well-trained hands as he watched Rupert and Edwina indulge in their silly parlor game. For he knew as he watched that they would both, at any moment, cry out in pain and require the immediate services of an experienced chiropractor.

  25. Bruno Melo

    “If I recall correctly,” said Dr. Heathenglow, glancing upon Ms. Leonor’s copper watch “we shall await five more minutes for this so-called photograph to be completed.”

  26. Xelgaex

    Amelia was most impressed by the disciples’ display and thought it a rather pleasant way to gain mystical knowledge. Meanwhile, her elder sister Elizabeth was beginning to have certain doubts about Earl Shetterfield’s claimed Rosicrucian affiliations.

  27. Timothy McClanahan

    “If this is your first time at Jane Austen Fight Club … you must fight.”

  28. g-clef

    While David appreciated Neil’s willingness to explain the concept of “kissing” to him, insisting on demonstrating it with each Nelson sister, multiple times, struck him as excessive.

  29. Robin (not Robyn)

    A quite proper, soon-to-be-married foursome recieves private pre-marital relationship counselling from Brigham Young himself, to ensure their relations are consumated properly, according to the dictates of the Prophet, Joseph Smith.

  30. Jeanette

    “Now look what you’ve done, you fool, you’ve gotten the lady out of her chair arse-backwards. Should you like to try again? Preferably this time in a straight line?”

  31. Bill Weinberger

    Ruth and Shelley were fascinated by David and Mary’s attempt to act out Jonathan’s description of how salmon spawn, right up to the point where he said, “Shall we decamp to the stream in Aunt Harriet’s garden and try it again?”

  32. Alletha

    In a perilous game of Mercy, Jane decided it was time to teach Mr. Smythewick that her eyes were on her face and not on her chest.

  33. Pam Adams

    It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of double-jointedness will be extremely popular at parties.

  34. Darice Moore

    “O!” Lydia exclaimed. “My dear Mr. Wetherall, you have learnt the most interesting things during your time in India!”

  35. moioci

    On his arrival in the parlor, Dr. Phelps felt his heart sink. His prized invention, the “dental aligners” which had seemed to hold such limitless promise, now proved themselves to possess a most hideous shortcoming. Why, he hardly knew where to begin to endeavor to separate the unfortunate couple.

  36. Phoenician in a time of Romans

    Sir Richard Burton’s first publication of the “Kama Sutra” suffered from several translation errors, much to the confusion of Victorian society.

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